Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Worried

We just got back from a little getaway up to Kansas City. The hubs works so much and runs two of his own businesses so it's extremely rare that he can get away for any meaningful vacation time. Actually, it's a point of contention between us, but I won't get into that here.

Anyway, we all had a great time and the kids thought the motel room which was really just a really crummy, run down Super 8 was the greatest thing ever. Yes, we really need to get them out more.

I also got a new digital camera because I was wondering why my pics always come out so blurry and then I realized the old one literally only has 3 mega pixels so I decided it was high time for an upgrade. I bought one with 10 mega pixels in excellent used condition and got quite a deal. It also has a decent amount of zoom power on it which I really wanted so I can catch the kids in the act without them realizing I have the camera out because then they usually get shy or try to pose for the camera and I want to catch them in their natural cuteness. The only thing is it didn't come with the USB cable and come to find out it is a 2.o cable which is different than the ones I have. I actually had no idea there was differend types of USB's. So now I have to buy that. And then, I promise, promise, promise I will post some pics.

So anyway, the last 3 weeks have been stressful to say the least. First we were all sick. Then Yusef was in the hospital overnight with RSV. He's doing great now but then I got sick and wanted felt like I was going to die and turned out to be strep throat which hubby promptly got. Now see, this is why husband and wives shouldn't be kissing! Anyway, a course of antibiotics and prednisone later, I actually feel human again. Thankfully, the kids somehow managed not to get it.

In the midst of all this, Zainah had also been sick and had this nasty cough that just would not go away. You may or may not know Zainah is a cancer survivor and is in remission so to speak from a tumor that was found on her kidney. She had the entire kidney removed and went through chemo. So anyway, she had one of her routine CT scans and the next day the oncologist called me and said something funny showed up on one of her lungs and the radiologist felt it was either a mass or a pneumonia. I didn't think to ask why the hell couldn't the radiologist tell the difference. This was at the exact time hubby had her at the doctor's office for the cough. So now she's on antibiotics for what we presume is a pneumonia but the seeds of fear and panic have sprouted.

Cancer is the devil. It is like a dark shadow that follows you even to your dreams and never goes away. It's the bogeyman that can pop up at any time. I hate it. Leukemia is one of my worst fears for Yusef. We all know that in life there are no guarantees and horrible things can happen. We put it out of our minds so we can function and stay sane. But when the fear rubs up against you, into your pores, clinging, it's hard. Real hard.

People sometimes tell me I'm so strong, they just don't know how I do it and I always chuckle; Because really, does a Mom have any other choice. I'd do anything for my children. Anything. For now I just hold them tight, soak in their smell, revel in the sounds of their laughter, bask in the warmth of their little bodies...feel. Just feel them. And love them.

7 comments:

I AM NOBODY said...

I am now crying tears of shame for complaining so much about my life-for wanting to just run or end it all. If only I knew how I blessed I was?! I am not sure if that is a good thing to say here or not. I mean nothing bad from it, not boasting or anything like that...just your struggles ground me. They make me see things I choose to ignore on a daily basis. I feel like such an idiot.
I feel like I am wasting my life away-they're lives-and here you are struggling to cling to every bit of life you can get each day from them. MashaAllah. May Allah keep you and your family-all of you-healthy and cure any illnesses. May He take any reward for any good I've ever done in this life and give it to you and your family-you are indeed far more deserving.
All my best to you and your family always

Stephanie said...

Sweetie don't be so hard on yourself. We all have our own struggles and it could be that yours really are more torturous and causing more pain than the rest of ours. To tell you the truth, I feel the same way about my own life, you know things could always be so much worse. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now.

Lisa said...

Ahhh, Stephanie. I can so relate to the cancer piece. As you know, my husband recently finished up a year of cancer treatment, and I am convinced that the fear of recurrence will follow us for the rest of our days. You and your family are in my thoughts. ((hugs))

Tara said...

What a beautiful post, Stephanie! It was a great update and reminder to enjoy life to the fullest...all wrapped up together.:) Btw, did your daughter have a Wilm's tumor?

thetaooftulips said...

Oh Stephanie- big hugs to you and your dear hearts. How soon can you go back and get the lung looked at again? I have the exact same humongous fear re leukemia and Abigail. I wish I didn't- I wish it didn't even cross my mind.

Stephanie said...

@Lisa--Thank you for your kind words. I know you understand how scary it is.
@Tara--Yes!It was a Wilms, stage 2. It has a very good survival rate but which like any cancer decreases if there is a relapse which is why I'm so terrified right now.
@tao--Thank you sweetie. We're repeating a chest xray tommorrow (Fri) and the ct in 2-3 weeks.

Kelly said...

I just read about your family through your blog and what a beautiful family you have. Blessed, yes, even when those mountains are too darn high! I'm sending lots of positive energy your way! ((hugs))